| So here's the story... I moved to Stroudsburg, PA this | | | | on learning of my impending death. Above all, I am |
| past July to become Rabbi at Temple Israel of the | | | | grateful for the life that I had been granted; I |
| Poconos. As part of the move, I needed to find new | | | | considered my life a precious gift to me from God. |
| doctors who would look after me. I made an | | | | After gratitude comes everything else, all other feelings |
| appointment with one of the local specialists, who | | | | and thoughts. The world can only be repaired when |
| suggested that I should have my lungs checked as | | | | gratitude replaces entitlement, when we move outside |
| part of a thorough physical examination. So he | | | | of ourselves toward others in our lives. I was not |
| scheduled me for a C.A.T. scan, expecting to find | | | | angry, just sad that I would not live to see my kids' |
| nothing out of the ordinary. Well, surprise, surprise! | | | | life-cyle events or share in the lives of my |
| When I returned to the doctor for the results, he told | | | | grandchildren as I had hoped to be able to do. My |
| me that there was a spot on my lungs, and he could | | | | hopes, dreams and aspirations have been reached, I |
| not rule out lung cancer! | | | | would die fulfilled and happy. If my time had come, I |
| Next he scheduled me three days later for a P.E.T. | | | | would be ready, unafraid and unashamed of what I |
| scan, which would definitely show if anything was | | | | had accomplished in my life. I know that I have |
| going on in my throat. I came to the surgery center | | | | mattered to lots of folks, and my teachings and my |
| and they inserted some dye through an IV, which | | | | memories would be my final gift to them, and to the |
| would flow through my entire upper body, and by | | | | Universe. |
| means of the the scan, would clearly allow the | | | | I fully believe that when our mission on this earth is |
| radiologists to diagnose any real or potential problems. | | | | accomplished, we can then be ready and prepared to |
| So I lay still for sixty-five minutes, trying to "zone out," | | | | leave this world for whatever comes next. The |
| actually counting the seconds (one thousand one, one | | | | problem is--who among us knows when that will |
| thousand two, one thousand three...) and pretty much | | | | happen? How will we know when our life-missions will |
| trying to act like the macho man that I did not feel like. | | | | have been accomplished? We don't, so that when |
| My doctor had scheduled the next appointment for a | | | | God has decided that my earthly purpose has been |
| week later. I asked him for an earlier date, but he said | | | | fulfilled, who am I to argue? Even more, I have known |
| it took that long for the results and the evaluation of | | | | too many women and men who have lived "too long," |
| the scan. Actually, that was all done two hours after | | | | that is to say that their final years were spent in pain |
| the test, but who knew? | | | | or in a nursing home, or totally unable to communicate |
| I had a whole week to think about dying of lung | | | | with those they love. I would indeed be fortunate, |
| cancer. What made it really scary was--my Mother | | | | because I would leave this life on my own terms, |
| died of lung cancer. She was a heavy smoker, I have | | | | proud and grateful. And not in any physical pain. |
| never smoked, but I had already presumed that it was | | | | So you see, smart guy that I am, I was sure I had it all |
| genetic and that my life was over. And then I began to | | | | figured out. Needless to say, thank God, the results |
| plan. What would I do with the time I had left? First, | | | | came back showing that the spot on my lungs was |
| would I take chemo and radiation for the cancer? I | | | | just that, some benign scar tissue left over from |
| decided absolutely not, since I was not prepared to | | | | who-knows-when. I was elated. I really was! But to tell |
| spend the next year suffering through | | | | the deep, dark, dirty, honest-to-God truth, I was just a |
| mind-and-body-numbing treatments which would at | | | | wee bit disappointed at the same time. I was actually |
| best give me another month or two of life which was | | | | looking forward to the last year of my life, I was going |
| not-life. I have seen too many of my congregants and | | | | to be able to fill the closing chapter of my existence |
| friends go through that, it was not for me. Would I quit | | | | with passion! Between seeing the world, teaching |
| my job as Rabbi? Yes, I would have done that | | | | women and men all across America the truths I had |
| immediately, and I even began working on my final | | | | learned, finishing my book on grief and hope, perhaps |
| sermon. I would have told my new congregation that | | | | starting another book, my days would be filled with joy |
| there were places in this world that I wanted to visit | | | | and creativity. They would be filled with life, not death, |
| with Ellen, and that I especially needed to return to | | | | and when the end would come, I would feel that the |
| Israel for a final visit, so I was resigning from the pulpit, | | | | banquet of my life had been well worth my fifty-nine |
| to live out the rest of my life the way I wanted to. I | | | | years of effort. |
| would thank them for the lessons they have already | | | | That's my story, and it has a happy ending. Sort of. |
| taught me even in the short time we had together, and | | | | The gnawing-in-my-kishkas question I continue to ask |
| I would ask their forgiveness for any pain I had caused | | | | myself ever since this happened is: What's stopping |
| them. In short, I would complete my relationship with | | | | me from doing all those things I was going to do when |
| them before I left. | | | | I knew I was dying? How many of them can I still do |
| After seeing other parts of the world, I would return | | | | right now, while I am still living? Why will I have to wait |
| home and begin to travel all across the country, giving | | | | until the Angel of Death comes calling for me, for real? |
| a lecture to anyone who might be interested, entitled: | | | | It is these questions, not thoughts of my death, which |
| "Final Life-Thoughts of a Grateful Rabbi." The lecture | | | | continue to haunt me. Maybe soon I'll have some good |
| would talk about gratitude being my first-choice feeling | | | | answers. |